Single life in your 30's

Ok, before I get into the guts of this, I have to be honest… I’ve wanted to write about this for quite some time, but have felt to vulnerable!  It’s something that’s close to my heart. I’m a sucker for love.  I love hearing peoples stories of how they met.  I love soppy love movies.  I love love… and I’m in my 30’s and yet to find that special someone.    

There’s been times where I’ve felt so damn lonely.  There’s been times where I’ve felt like I’m totally being left behind as I watch family and friends get married and start their own little families.  There’s been times where I’ve felt like a misfit at certain gatherings, because I don’t have a partner or kids like everyone else to talk about.  

But you know what… there’s also been times where I’ve been in relationships and felt empty, disempowered and lonely.  I know people that are in relationships and unhappy.  I also know people that have been married and then divorced with in a year or two.  I get that just because people are in a relationship doesn’t mean they’re happy and in love (it pains me to type that as I’m all for the happy love stories… but it’s the truth!).

As I ponder back on past relationships, I think about the fun times we had, the shitty times, and most of all, how much I have changed since then!  With age, comes experience, wisdom, and a stronger sense of self… but goodness me, with age also comes the expectation of finding that special someone, settling down and having family.  

Some of you may be able to relate to this… In your 20’s people don’t hold back with asking ‘are you dating anyone?  Have you found yourself a man?!’  along with comments like ‘how is a girl like you still single?!’  Then comes your 30’s, and those questions and comments come to a halt.  I’m not sure if people are too afraid to ask, sick of asking or think you’re too far gone (I’m giggling as I type this!). 

I’ve tried dating apps - Tinder and Bumble.  I’ve met some great guys on there.  It’s even ended up with the odd relationship from there at times.  There’s also been times when I’ve gone on a date with a guy from a dating app and haven’t felt a romantic connection, but have ended up being friends with them.  I love meeting new people (even though I’m generally scared shitless before I meet with them for the first time!), and I’m genuinely grateful for some of the connections that have been made via those dating apps… and I should add that I’m also grateful to no longer be in contact with some of them too! haha.  

I personally think that some of the best ways to meet someone is through meeting a friend of a friend, or going to events where like minded people will be; but that does get trickier once you’re in your 30’s because it feels like most people are already in a relationship!  I even have friends often say ‘I don’t really know of any single guys.’

Then there’s location.  I used to think that I would be more likely to meet someone in the city as opposed to the country.  I figured that in the city there’s more people, so perhaps there’s a higher chance of meeting someone.  But my view on that has changed after a few years of living in the city.  I don’t think it’s location dependent… I think it’s more so about who you’re being, and how open you are to finding love.  Oh, then again, I think of friends in larger cities and it seems it’s a lot more common for there to be single people with out kids.  Maybe location does have a bit of an impact?

I’m not 100% convinced about location because there’s also this magical thing called synchronicity, where things just seem to align.  It’s like we’re in the right place at the right time, regardless of if you’re even looking for love.  I can’t help but think there’s some truth in the classic saying ‘you will find love when you least expect it.’  I’ve heard different stories of people that have met in the most unlikely circumstances and they never saw it coming (I love hearing those stories!).

When I reflect, I haven’t always opened myself up to love.  I’ve held myself back out of fear.  Fear of rejection and getting hurt.  I think there’s also been periods of time where I’ve hidden away.  I haven’t really put myself out there.  There’s also been times where I haven’t completely let my guard down, out of the fear of someone seeing my true colours and not thinking I’m good enough.

So yes, I do put my hand up and take a bit of responsibility for being in this position… but I have to say… reflecting on my past few relationships I can see how much I’ve evolved.  As silly as it may sound, I feel like each relationship I’ve had has felt like I’m getting closer and closer to one that feels right.  They just keep getting that little bit better.  Perhaps it’s partly to do with me evolving as a person too?  It’s like I’m learning so much about myself and what does and doesn’t work in a relationship for me.  I’m clearer.  I have better boundaries.  Each relationship has taught me something and brought me a step closer to finding my match.

There’s an up side to these years of being single.  These single years have taught me to have a deeper relationship with myself.   To reinforce that I am enough regardless of my relationship status.  I’ve built confidence by having to attend dinners and events by myself instead of having someone along side me.  I’ve learnt to enjoy my own company, immersing myself in a relaxing night at home.  I’ve learnt to be self sufficient.  I’ve been able to be selfish and do exactly what I want to do with out having to consider anyone else’s needs (that’s hard for me to write because I’m such a giving person, but it’s been a good thing for me to learn).  

I’ve had relationships.  I know how beautiful they can be.  That having someone to go home too.  Someone to give you a big hug after a tough day and tell you that everything will be ok.  Someone to share experiences and enjoy life with.  I love that feeling of love that has you feeling so content and at peace. 

I get that it can test you out when you really crave that loving connection with someone.  I think that as a human having this human experience, it is natural for us to crave connection. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with wishing you were in a relationship; the problem is when you feel that your self worth depends on it… I think that’s where many unhealthy relationships stem from.

I refuse to get down on love, nor give up on it.  I believe in it and still love love!  But you know what… at the moment, more than anything, I’m actually LOVING this time to myself (but hello universe, I am still open to letting that special someone in! haha).  I’ve recently moved back to the country, renovated a couple of houses, changed things up with my business, reconnected with friends I haven’t seen for ages… it’s been good to have this space to listen to my heart and soul and find my way.

I hand on heart, truly believe that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.  Learning self love, self acceptance and self worth has been an integral part of my journey because it’s what I’m so passionate about teaching others.  How can I teach this without fully embodying it myself?  

My single life… and especially single life in my 30’s has made me embrace who I am, regardless of how different my life circumstances are to others my age.  I won’t lie, I’ve had a pity part here and there about being single… but after ever pity party, comes a stronger, more loving me.  It makes me stop and reconnect with myself and what’s really important.  It reminds me that what you focus on grows, so why the hell focus on the downside of being single when there’s up sides to it!  

Who’s to say there’s a right or wrong age to be in a committed relationship?  Who says the aim of the game is even to be in a relationship?  I dare say that some of you reading this are thinking ‘well I don’t actually want to be in a relationship!’, and then there’s some of you thinking ‘I am so ready for a relationship.’  Each to their own.  I have some amazing friends that have been in loving relationships since a young age, and they also now have beautiful kids.  I also have other friends that have more recently entered relationships at a later age.  I’m not down with expectations, nor am I one for judging others for the path they’ve taken.   

When it comes down to it, as cliche as it sounds, the most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.  Get to know yourself.  Learn to love yourself.  I bet when you do, you’ll become a magnet and attract all sorts of goodness!

To all of my fellow single soul sisters in their 30’s, hold your head high.  You are beautiful.  You are worthy and you are LOVED, regardless of your relationship status.  Embrace your freedom!  Embrace being able to go on dates and meet new people (some of my coupled up friends love living through my dating stories, haha).  Learn to date yourself.  Be selfish and do all the things you love to do, because let’s be honest… you don’t have any one to answer to anyone but yourself.  Embrace who you are, hold your head high and you will attract that love that you are so worthy of… but you must be open to it and believe in it.  What ever you do, don’t put your life on hold waiting for that special someone.  YOU are a special someone and deserve to live a happy fulfilled life regardless of your relationship status.