CHAPTER 16.

‘Never say never because limits, like fears, are often just an illusion.’ Michael Jordan

DISCLAIMER: My story isn’t one to make anyone feel shame or to feel bad, but instead for me to own the parts of me that I’ve pushed aside, so I can integrate to becoming a more authentic version of myself and an even better coach.  

I wasn’t expecting to write another chapter for this story!  Of course I knew that life would go on, and I would experience more chapters of my life… I just wasn’t expecting to share my chapters with everyone moving forward.  Instead of talking about my life experience, I wanted to help other people enhance their life experience. I wanted to be more of service and take the lime light away from myself.

The process of telling My Story last year, had me feeling quite selfish and self centred.  But looking back I can clearly see that telling My Story was necessary.  The shift I’ve felt within myself… there’s no words to describe it!  I feel as though I show up in a different way now.  More myself.  More decisive.  More confidence.  I’ll share what ever I feel to share, without the fear of judgement.  I’m more like ‘this is me. Take it or leave it.’

At the time of writing my last chapter last year (what I thought would be my last chapter!), I had absolutely no vision of moving back to the country; especially not my home town.  If some one said to me that I’d be moving back there, I would have laughed and thought, what ever.  

But, here I am.  I moved back to the country a couple of months ago.  I only just moved into the farm house a couple of weeks ago, after spending hours and hours painting, purchasing furniture, and getting the place ready. 

I was a little worried that I’d finally move back here and then have a moment of thinking ‘what the hell have I done?!’  I was scared I could have a hint of regret… but I’m happy to confirm that has not happened.  If anything, it’s been the opposite.  I’ve been thinking ‘holy smokes!  This is even better than I imagined!’

Now back to the blog… My Story…

2018.  The year that started with feeling stuck, lost, defeated… and sick with glandular fever.  Yet the year finished with me feeling on top of the world!  I found this new power house of passion, and ideas.  I was on fire.  The Goddess Events was born.  I found a new sense of self.  I felt like after sharing my Story I had nothing to lose, and I felt like I was ready to take on the world.

It honestly felt like a bit of a rebirth.  I was in flow.  I’d wake up each day excited to get to work.  It would get to Friday, and I’d be disappointed because there was so many more things I wanted to create and do for the week!  

I think I also got disappointed on Fridays because I’d feel a sense of loneliness.  I was in a big city and had so many connections - friends, family, clients, colleagues… yet they were all busy with their lives.  It was hard to organise a time to catch up with them unless we planned it weeks in advance.

It wasn’t just them with busy schedules though.  I’d also find myself wrapped up in ‘busyness’ too.  I’d be busy teaching the odd yoga class on a weekend, heading to the farm for the weekend, doing a course, or have events to go too.  

I was in a city with hundreds, ok thousands, of people surrounding me… yet I felt so lonely.  Not every day.  But a lot of the time.

It was December… what a year it had been with telling My Story.  For Christmas I planned to escape the city and spend 3 weeks at the farm.  The beauty of my work is that I can generally work from anywhere… with my online line programs and coaching anyway.  

I was so excited about spending 3 weeks at the family farm!  It meant farm walks, getting out in nature, catching up with friends and family, and spending some time chipping away at my work.

I love being home at the farm around Christmas.  It’s summer (my favourite season).  It’s harvest time, which I love getting out on the farm and helping out where I can.  I adore the hot weather, and the feeling of the wind in my hair as I drive around the farm with the windows down.  I love the fast pace during harvest; it’s all systems go, with the header, trucks, tractor and ute’s driving around; racing against the clock to get the crops off.   

Being home around Christmas also means catching up with family.  It was lovely to have all of my siblings and their partners home at mum and dads for Christmas. 

All of my siblings are in beautiful relationships.  They’re settled and happy.  Being the eldest of 4 kids, and the only single one, used to have me feeling pretty shit.  It would really highlight my longing to be in a relationship too; BUT… not this time.  I was happy and content within myself.  I loved seeing my siblings and their partners, plus my little nephew - it was his first Christmas.  

I didn’t have any heavy feelings about being single, nor did I feel alone.  I felt so happy within myself.  That was a big shift since telling My Story - it was actually a key moment where I realised just how much of a transformation had taken place through doing my blog series, My Story.

During my time at the farm over Christmas, I had the best time.  I spent time catching up with family.  I went and caught up with friends I hadn’t seen for ages.  I taught some yoga.  I did some work on my computer.  I enjoyed farm walks.  I was LOVING life.  

The funny thing was, I was more productive than ever with my work.  I was spending less hours working, yet getting more done.  I was spending quality time with friends and family.  Like proper catch ups where there’s no distractions and you really connect with them.  Plus I got to go for my farm walks, with my little dog Cocobella running around.  I was feeling so at peace.

There’s 4 houses on our farm, and all of them occupied.  It came to my attention that the guy living in one of the houses on the farm was looking for a job up north and would be moving out.  I asked dad if there were any plans for the house once this guy had moved out… knowing full well that it’s not good having houses empty; they go backwards very quickly.

He said when they need to get another workman down the track, they’d have the option of moving into that house; but in saying that, they don’t see themselves getting a new workman anytime soon.    

My brain started ticking!  I didn’t see myself moving back to the country full time, because I’d established my yoga classes in Adelaide, I’d made some great connections with people, and had The Goddess Events now up and running… but… considering I loved my time in the country so much, I thought perhaps I could spend a week, per month back at the farm.  I could have that as my own place.  It would be a win win situation, because I’d have my own country retreat, but the farm would benefit by having some one look after the house.  

I even floated the idea of running some events from there.  I thought how cool to run events back in the country.  That would amazing.

I talked these ideas through with those that are near and dear to me, as I do… I process things by talking them through (gemini life); and then allowing space to ponder it all myself.  

I started to get very excited about the prospect of it all, but wouldn’t allow myself to get too excited.  I couldn’t bare the thought of thinking I’d be able to use this farm house, and then for something to fall through and I couldn’t.  I didn’t tell many people about my plans for this exact reason. 

A few weeks passed and I was back in Adelaide.  I got back there and I just felt a heavy type of energy.  I didn’t feel excited about being back there.  I had a beautiful house, lovely house mates, a great studio to teach yoga in, and lovely clients that I got to connect with, but it just didn’t feel like home.  It was then that I noticed just how much of a country girl I am.  

This is when I thought, ok.  Why do I feel I can’t move back to my home town when that’s where I really feel at peace?  

I’d always said that I’d never move back to my home town because I’d already been there and done what.  I’d taught yoga, I’d run Zumba classes, I did after school programs, and I’d even created a gym business and sold it.  Selling that business felt like closure with my work back there, even though I loved the town and especially the community.

But then there was a part of me that was like ‘I love the people in my home town. They love my yoga classes.  The community spirit is phenomenal.  They have so much get up and go and are always ready to support anyone in need.  I love the wide open open space in the country; the trees, the sunrises and sunsets; I have family and friends there, plus I feel like I can be of service in the country.  They have less services available to them, and it’s such a privilege to be able to provide them with services such as yoga and The Goddess Events.’  

Was it my ego getting in the way?  Was it because I’d previously said that I never saw myself moving home that I wouldn’t entertain the idea?  Or was there a hint of feeling like I failed in Adelaide if I returned home?  

It was time to push that rubbish aside.  I was following my heart and intuition; I really felt to move back to my home time.  I Coaching people to follow what they feel to do and it was time for me to walk my talk.

Looking back on My Story, it was my move to Adelaide when I experienced my first heavy depression.  Ever since my move to Adelaide things didn’t flow as well.  There was a lot more struggle.  I felt lonely.  I felt disconnected.  I even lost my sense of self a bit.  

But don’t get me wrong, I had some great times in Adelaide.  I feel like my time in Adelaide was all part of my journey.  I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for my experience there.  

I met some incredible people.  I met some beautiful souls through my yoga classes and coaching.  I connected with some incredible mentors.  I was pushed to evolve through the struggle, and boy did I learn some lessons along the way.  But most of all, the connections I made with new people, I am forever grateful for them.  

So based on my feelings once I returned to Adelaide after my Christmas break, I thought what the hell… why not move back to the farm instead of just spending a week per month there?  Why not pack up and leave the city life that didn’t feel like the right fit for me?  Why not return to my home town where I feel so at peace; love the people; and am blessed enough to have a house to live in at the farm.

I made the decision.  I was going to move back to my home town, just before Easter.  I told my house mates and then a few days later our land lord told us that the owners of the house had decided to sell; meaning we’d have to move out.  The universe is so sneaky like that!  I was going to have to move anyway - the move to the farm was perfect!

The lead up to moving into the Farm House was pretty hectic.  There were weekends of driving backwards and forwards between Adelaide and the farm, so I could paint and get the house ready.  My business got put on the back burner a bit in the process, which did bug me, but it had to be done.  Sometimes I also need to be reminded that work isn’t everything.

I’m now at the farm writing this blog post, and being back at the farm feels perfect.  It’s reminded me that loneliness doesn’t depend on how many people you have around you.  It depends on the connection you have with yourself.  

When I’m out going for my farm walks I feel more connected and fulfilled than ever.  I don’t know if that’s mother nature giving me a big warm hug as I watch the sunrise across the paddocks at the start of each day, or if it’s because I feel so at peace within myself and my surroundings.  I have room to breath out here in the country.  The serenity. The peace & quiet.  The space.  It creates an energy that has me feeling so connected with myself and my surroundings.

Of course it’s not all rainbows and butterflies all the time.  I still have BIG dreams and visions that I’m working towards.  I still have things I’d like in my life, such as a relationship, owning my own property, and experiencing more of a work life blend.  But for now, I feel like I’m in the right place at the right time.  

I’m also learning not to place my happiness in ‘things.’  It’s something I learnt in yoga called ‘Non Attachment.’  Happiness is within us.  It’s in how we show up and experience things..  It’s in the lens we chose to view the world with.  It’s not in material items.

When I first found out I could move into the farm house, that farm house brought me so much happiness and excitement!  I thought the farm house was going to create so much happiness for me!  And in all fairness, it has some what.  I am so grateful to be in the farm house.  I love it so much; but I realise the farm house isn’t mine to keep.  It’s a place of residence for the time being.

Just today… as I type this… I’ve been told there’s a chance someone else may have to move into this farm house in a couple of months.  If I was told this a month ago I probably would have lost my shit.  I would have been so frustrated, and felt unlucky, and that it’s not fair.  

When I was told the news today, I felt surprisingly calm.  Of course it’s not what I hoped for, but I’m learning to trust the flow of life.  Learning to be open to opportunities and possibilities.  

At present, as I type this I’m just feeling so damn lucky that I’m currently getting to enjoy the farm house.  I’m back in the country where my heart and soul feels alive.  I’ve reconnected with family, friends and my home town community.  Most importantly, I feel at peace within myself.  If only you could see the smile on my face as I type this (ok, and now some happy tears as well!).  

Often, as one door closes, another door opens.  Or perhaps it’s a false alarm and it could turn out I won’t have to move out of the farm house in the immediate future. You never know what’s around the corner.

Who knows, this could lead to yet another interesting chapter of My Story…