My Story. I'm back.

Yes.  Here I am.  I’m back!  The last ‘My Story’ blog post was on the 24th June 2019.  Far out… the months between now and then are a blur!  It’s been a whirlwind of activity, and you have no idea how much I’ve been hanging out to write this next blog post!  Writing is how I process things.  It’s my outlet, and this busy gemini mind of mine has had so many thoughts going through it. 

In my last blog post I shared how excited I was to finally discover that ‘Ignite Your Spark’ is my jam.  That’s what I want to help people with.  It embodies all the different parts of wellbeing that I want to share with the world. Mind, body & soul.  They all contribute to our inner spark, and it’s a topic that excites me.

It’s quite ironic that a few weeks ago I felt like my spark had gone out.  I was so flat out doing all of the things that I’m pretty sure my body was like ‘I NEED REST! YOU AREN’T LISTENING TO ME’ and I got shingles.  Even when I found out that this weird rash on my body was shingles, I was in denial.  I was thinking to myself ‘but I’m not even stressed!  Yes, I’m busy, but I’m busy doing things that I love!’  I feel fine.  I don’t understand how I got shingles.

Getting shingles did make me pull on the hand break and slow down a bit.  I’ve been in the health & wellness industry long enough to know that these physical manifestations in our body happen for a reason.  Upon reflection, just because I was doing things that I enjoy, doesn’t mean that I wasn’t putting myself under pressure.  You can still experience stress if you are always on the go doing things you love and don’t get enough rest. 

I didn’t feel like I could slow down straight away because I had so many commitments already booked in, and things like renovating and moving house just had to be done.  I had events booked in and deadlines to meet.  I wasn’t prepared to pull the pin on those things, so I continued doing what I was doing, but was mindful to not book any additional things in my diary; I also decided no more Goddess Events for 2019, which meant cancelling the October Goddess Circle.  I needed to create space for myself.  I needed to put myself first.

A couple of blog posts ago I shared that there was a chance of me having to move out of farm house #1.  Well that did happen!  After 4 months of living there, I found out a new workman was moving in, which meant it was time for me to move out.  That resulted with me quickly getting onto renovating farm house #2 so I could move in.  This house is a much bigger project that then last one!  I’m currently sitting in farm house #2 typing this blog post.  The house isn't finished but it’s liveable and I’m living here.  

No ones lived in this house for 15 years or so, and the lawn and garden is all dead.  The yard looks like a beach at the moment.  It’s surrounded by white, soft sand.  I’m really looking forward to trying out this thing called gardening!  I used to have my own little garden as a kid and loved it!  I have a feeling I’m really going to enjoy the gardening process.  I think it will be really therapeutic and lets face it, I love plants.  I love nature and mother earth full stop.  

This is house where I spent all of my childhood years.  I lived there from when I was born until when I was 17 and moved to the big smoke.  I’ve done a lot to this house and it has a completely different look and feel to how it was when I lived here as a kid.  New floors, coat of paint & new curtains.  I’ve painted a big timber panel wall white, and I’ve painted over the tiles in the kitchen.  I’ve made the layout of the furniture very different to the way it was when I was a kid.  It’s a completely different look and feel.  

I originally didn’t want to move back into the house I grew up in, but I have to say that I adore the energy in this house.  It’s a warm loving energy.  There’s lots of natural light that streams in through the windows.  It’s spacious.  It feels like home, yet it doesn’t look or feel like I’m back in the house where I grew up if that makes sense?  It’s quite bizarre that I went through the process of telling My Story last year, and now I’m kind of back at the start.  Back in the house where it all began.  

Any how, back to how I think I got shingles.  Not only was I flat out renovating a house and moving house, I was also flat out with work.  I won't go into details of the different work projects, but lets just say I was loading up my diary.  I was still running Goddess Events in Adelaide which meant lots of travel, and the prep and energy that goes into those events are massive.  I kept justifying my work load by telling myself ‘but I love this, and I'm so grateful for all these opportunities,’ and that is no word of a lie.

I am well aware that I have a history of being uncomfortable with ‘space.’  I’m not talking about the wide open space out in the countryside.  I’m talking about space in my diary where I have time to sit and be still.  In the past I have found the very uncomfortable because uncomfortable thoughts and feelings can surface.  Some days it could be loneliness.  Other days it could be feeling like I’m not achieving enough and like I’m failing so I should be working.  I have some crappy expectations around my age… and feel like I should have ticked off a lot more boxes by now.  Most of all, I think it allows space for different emotions to surface… emotions that I push deep down by keeping busy. 

Keeping busy and kicking goals helps me avoid all of this.  A couple of years ago I had a mentor help teach me about this concept of creating space, and they helped me do exactly that.  It was quite a process.  But I got there.  I think in the last few months I’ve had a solid taste of that busyness again and lost touch with space.  I need to connect back with that space and I am going to do just that.

The funny thing is, that my original plan of moving to the country was to create more space.  It wasn’t about being flat out with work, nor was it about making loads of money.  I was honestly just happy to earn enough to cover my bills this year, and work on some projects behind the scenes.  I believed that in time these behind the scene projects would pay dividends.   

The country lifestyle also appealed to me because I feel like there’s less pressure.  I feel like I can provide a service to people that really appreciate it, because they don’t get the variety of services that city people have.  I feel more at peace within myself.  I feel at home and love to get out doors more (away from my office!).   I wanted to do some activities outside of work that I love, such as art, photography, cooking, little road trips to explore country towns, live music gigs…  It’s turned out that I’ve moved to the country and I’ve had more opportunities than ever, and my days have been filled to the brim (don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining!).  

I feel like society has painted a picture where if you’re not busy, you’re seen as lazy, or people wonder what the hell you’re doing with your life.  I think I unconsciously bought into the belief that to be successful you have to work hard.  Don’t get me wrong, I think some hard work is required, but I also believe in working smarter, not harder.  I also believe what’s the point in working 24/7 running yourself into the ground and then not be able to enjoy doing activities you love to do, and enjoy time with family and friends.  

My greatest break throughs are always after periods like this, and this is no exception.  I’m so pleased I got shingles and that it made me stop and ponder how I’m showing up in life.  I’m clearer again with what’s important to me and what isn’t… I actually feel like this is going to be a big turning point for me.  I’m so familiar with the pattern of burning out, creating space, then filling that space, getting busy, burning out… and the cycle continues.  I can see it so clearly and I can see what triggers it… space.  I thought I’d made peace with space last year, but in the build up of activity this year, I’ve lost touch with the comfort I used to have with space.  I get a bit uncomfortable with space again now, for numerous reasons that I can see (that’s a whole blog post in itself). 

Moving forward, I’m going to create more space for writing.  I LOVE TO WRITE, and I haven’t let it be a priority lately.  I want to write more blog posts about things near and dear to my heart.  Things to start conversations and get people talking.  I want to write about things to motivate and inspire people, and of course I want to write for my own reasons too - to express things that I find hard to speak out loud.  

I’m going to pull back from filling my schedule and work on some little projects behind the scenes.  I’m going to finish renovating this house and create a beautiful haven where I can invite friends out and cook up little feasts.  I’m going to jump in my car and go for random little day trips to explore nearby places.  I’m going to make time to see my little nephew and my sisters little bubba which is due in a few weeks.  I’m going to watch movies on netflix and I’m going to get out in the garden.  I’m going to spend more time with friends and do more things outside of work that nourish my heart & soul.

All in all, I’m going to keep doing the work that I love (yoga, help people ignite that spark, online programs, etc), but I’m going make more time for ME.  Yes, cutting back on work may mean a drop in income; but I believe that will be a short term thing… because in this down time of not as much work, I’ll be more productive with working on projects that will bring abundance when they launch next year. 

I’ve been self employed for over 10 years now; hard to believe!  I’ve been through this pattern of being busy and not making enough time for myself for too long (I know my friends will read this and think ‘thank goodness she’s finally seen the light!’ haha).  I know this won’t be easy for me, but I am more ready than ever to break this cycle.  I’m declaring it now.  I am ready to break the cycle.  It doesn’t mean I’ll put any less of my heart and soul into my work; it just means that I’ll put more of my heart soul into myself as well.  

So please excuse me now as I go to re-ignite my spark. They say we teach what we most need to learn. My work around ‘Ignite Your Spark’ is going to be taken to a whole new level..

Sending love,

Steph x